It has been four and a half months now, but this story started back in August. I had just gotten out of my longest relationship yet. I thought that my last relationship was my "end-game" relationship; but like most dreams, it shattered. Days after my break-up, I took a vacation with my best friends. It was then that I decided that because I was single, I could try out Tinder. I wasn't looking for anything but validation that I was beautiful and that I was wanted. Break ups from long-term relationships do that to you. When they end, you feel as if nobody else in the world will ever want you the same way that you were wanted in that relationship again. You feel as if you're incomplete and you'll never find that dream with someone else again. Those thoughts are just you being dramatic because they're not true. It didn't help that I hadn't been single for much of my late teenage years. I jumped from relationship to relationship trying to find companionship and to find someone who will think of me as beautiful. I didn't believe in my own attractiveness as a person so I constantly relied on the fact that at least one person (boyfriends) would think so. Anyway, enough about my own insecurities; I digress.
I tried out Tinder during my vacation and in just three days, my own perception of my attractiveness changed and my confidence surged. Even after my vacation, I used Tinder everyday. The idea of talking to new people every day and being able to connect to guys made me realized that my own idea of self-worth had been too dependent on others. I turned to guys for validation of my beauty when I should've realized it about myself. It took others showing an interest in me for me see what they saw so even though my break-up broke my heart, it didn't break me. It allowed me to REALLY see myself for the first time.
Then, on August 9th, 2014 (~12AM?), I got a message from someone who would change my life forever. Despite the introduction, this story isn't about me. It's about us. I had just gotten home from work, and I was dead-ass tired when I noticed that someone had messaged me complimenting my bright red hair (a thing of the past). It was sent an hour earlier, but I responded anyway. Looking at his pictures, I remembered thinking that he had a cute smile, but I didn't really think too much into swiping right or left (it was Tinder after all). I will note that his first message was actually rather well thought-out. Being a girl on Tinder, you get too many messages asking for sex in very sleazy ways; but this wasn't one of them. It wasn't just a "hi" or "you're pretty" message either. It was a compliment on my red hair that also imparted details of his personal experience with hair dyeing. I didn't think too much of it before, but looking back, I realized just how much of his personality I was getting in those innocuous messages. We spent hours talking. It's really, really hard to have a conversation with people on Tinder because that's not what they're after, but he and I talked into the AM about god-knows-what. At the time, I didn't know what it was about him that made the conversation so free-flowing and natural, but it was because he would listen to what I had to say and then add on to the conversation in meaningful ways. It was exciting and engaging even though we didn't talk about anything too exciting. We mainly talked about retail jobs (because I worked retail). I did tell him where I worked even though I had a negative experience with someone who said he'd come find me very creepily on Tinder. There was just something about the guy that I felt like I could trust. Of course, just to be safe, I also threatened to drop kick him if he tried anything funny.
Fast forward to the afternoon of the 9th, I talked to him extensively during my lunch break at work. I realized that Tinder was draining my battery so I gave out my phone number to him and this other guy in order to get off the app. I'm a pretty no-BS type of girl so I just directly asked for a phone number. I was afraid that I'd come off as too pushy or direct, but I was only in the city for another 2 weeks or so before I was to move into my college dorms. I was very straightforward with him. I found out that he had a leopard gecko which was such a cool pet, and I liked him well enough so I wanted to meet him. I told him that I had either Monday or Tuesday off and he could pick which day to meet. He picked Monday. That was fine with me.
We continued talking for the next couple of days. On Sunday, I hooked up with my friend. I told him about this guy that I was talking to, and to say that he wasn't too happy about it was an understatement. He didn't want me to sleep with other people while he and I were involved. I told him that I didn't intend to sleep with the guy at all. We were just going out for coffee. I just honestly wanted to meet the guy. I didn't have any feelings yet for him beyond interest and intrigue. My friend said that a coffee meeting was a typical first date and the guy basically has the expectations of a date. I freaked out a little bit because it was barely a week since I got out of the last relationship and I didn't want to be in a new one. At this point, I was in a conundrum, I didn't want to sleep with the guy, but I also didn't want to date him. What did I want from my Tinder match? I didn't know. In my moment of panic at my friend's place, I ended up dropping my phone and my phone somehow called the guy. I freaked out. I quickly hung up the call before he picked up, but it must've rang because he called me back, but before seeing my hurried text message explaining that I accidentally dropped my phone and it automatically called him. When he got the message, he hung up the same moment that I gathered up the courage to pick up. I then sent him another message explaining that I was at a friend's house and that I'd call him when I get home. It was weird because I didn't know what to expect of him in terms of his voice. That night, I called him and we talked on the phone for another hour. It was a long time to be on the phone with a stranger, but it felt natural. Of course being me, I made things awkward by blurting out "I don't want to hook up with you" in the middle of our conversation. It threw him off guard for sure, and I suddenly panicked because I was afraid that he would lose interest in me now; but he didn't and we kept talking normally after eventually getting over my awkward statement.
Then, the next day, we met. We picked the meeting spot at the train station so that we could walk to the coffee shop together. I ended up being early and so I waited. When he finally arrived and approached me, I was a little thrown off. He looked different. He was wearing a lavender button down and his hair was rather short. He didn't quite look like his profile picture, but it was definitely the same person. I think I was slightly disappointed at first, but we quickly fell into natural conversation. We walked about 15-20 minutes to the coffee shop only to realize that it was full and rather business-y. I spotted a Panera Bread across the street and suggested that we go there instead because I had never been to Panera Bread. I don't even remember what I ordered to be honest, but I know that it did not taste good. He paid, but I ended up tossing half of my food, and I felt really bad about it. In the middle of our conversation, he split an apple in half with his bare hands. I just about thought it was the coolest thing I've ever seen. Seriously though, who does that?! After we lounged around in Panera Bread, I asked to meet his leopard gecko... that meant going back to his apartment. I didn't really have an ulterior motive other than to genuinely meet his gecko. I stood by my statement of not wanting to hook up. I was rather straightforward in my request too. I wondered if that was weird.
We walked to his apartment, and he introduced me to his gecko. I held him and let him crawl around on me for a while before he got too antsy and had to be placed back in his tank. Then we were just sitting on the couch... doing nothing. There was even at least 6 inches of space between us. At this point, I liked the guy and I wanted to be closer so I suggested that we watch something scary. I remembered trying to watch American Horror Story alone the other day and chickening out so I suggested we watch that. I told him that I get scared easily so I basically snuggled up to him while watching the pilot episode. It was not scary, and it sucked. We were turned off by the idea of watching the second episode so we looked for horror movies. We went through a ton of them, but we weren't able to finish any of them because they're just not scary! We did finish "The Ring" though, and even then that wasn't scary. Sometime in our movie-hunting, I suggested that we move to the bed. I was tired of sitting. I really didn't have any ulterior motives except maybe snuggling.
Maybe about 5-6 hours into trying to find a good horror movie, I told him that I was hungry and asked if he had food. For some reason, I was just really direct with this guy. I blurted out a lot of things. I caught him off-guard as he scrambled to find food. He found ingredients for a ham and cheese sandwich and he made me that. In his haste, he made it a cold sandwich which is fine, but the cheese was rather hard so then I asked for water. That seemed to surprise him, guess he forgot that people need food and water. Looking back on it, it was a bad sandwich, but in the moment, it didn't matter. We then sat on the couch and talked. We talked about our beliefs and our personal history. Things got very deep. I talked about my mother's death and he talked about his deepest, darkest secrets. It felt good to be able to connect with another human being, someone with whom you can converse naturally. He was not only a good listener, he was a good conversationalist.
Then, we tried again to find a good movie to no avail. At this point, we're back on his bed and completely gave up on finding a good horror movie so we just kind of talked. At this point, around 8.5 hours had passed, and they've been completely innocuous. I've wanted to kiss the guy like 5 hours prior, but I was the one who didn't want to hook up or anything so I didn't want to be a hypocrite. I was hoping that he would make the first move, but he didn't so we kept talking. Eventually, he started talking really fast and rambling so I kind of just kissed him... after 9 hours of spending time together. After I pulled away, I said that he had 9 hours and he didn't make a move. Ugh, how frustrating. He told me that it was because I told him not to so he was worried to make a wrong move. Even though I was frustrated, those 9 hours meant a lot because it showed that he really listened and respected my wishes even if my actions said otherwise. To this day, I still tease him about not making a move, but I'm glad he didn't.
When the AM came, I realized that I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay, and he told me that I could. Here we were, two people wanting to spend the night in a non-sexual way just 14 hours after meeting for the first time. It was crazy. I trusted him to not do anything to me, and he trusted me enough to invite me into his home. I didn't actually stay the night. He walked me home at around 2AM, it was an hour by the train. He told me that he was going home (out-of-state) for the week due to some last minute plans with his dad. I told him that I will put my last day in at work to be the day that he comes back (Saturday) so then we parted ways for the week.
